Never Marry For Love

The average man knows very little about a woman. He may know how to charm her, initiate conversation, pay her compliments, buy her gifts and tell her everything he believes she wants to hear. When that woman becomes enamored with said man, he wants to experience her sexually and/or he falls in love. If he is the marrying type, he will try not to make waves, do all the right things for her (or so he believes), such as to remembering her birthday and their “first date” anniversary if he is lucky. He does all of this in the hopes that she will end up being a woman he can take home to Mom and one day marry. He convinces himself that love will conquer all and this woman will be his partner for life. She will not be the next casualty of war. She will be the ONE who works out this time and not leave with his kids and/or half of his stuff.

That guy knows nothing about women or what they really desire in a man. He “gets the girl” but hangs on by a wing and a prayer that she stays with him. She could be the needy type. He cannot tell her he loves her enough. She could be possessive and very jealous. These women are born out of past mistrust and the path can be daunting even if the sex is exactly what our guy wants. If he has already married her, this blog is exactly for our guy. If he hasn’t, great, this blog can be a point of reference.  

Our guy wants marriage, a lifelong loving partner, who is a lucid and easygoing, a ‘’drop dead gorgeous” unicorn. He wants to fall in love, marry and live happily ever after with his unicorn. Is this too much to ask? Doesn’t “LOVE conquer all”?

 Unfortunately, LOVE does not conquer all and certainly does not keep relationships together. How many times have you heard an unhappily married man say, “I love her but I just cannot live with her anymore.” Or, “She is the mother of my children; I will always love her, but we just cannot stay together.”  In both cases, the husband and his wife loved each other (hopefully) when they married. However, a disconnect existed prior to their marriage. It is this disconnect that is the key to “why” this couple was not ready (if ever) to marry each other and live together under the same roof for life.

NO ONE SHOULD MARRY SIMPLY FOR LOVE. There are 3 key areas that men (and women) should pay attention to prior to marriage. They should be fully engaged in these areas prior to marriage despite LOVE. If not, marriage should not be considered. These 3 areas require intention, ongoing thought and corresponding action. They are not driven by feelings that cannot be explained. Let’s explore why these areas are so important:

1.    Knowledge

2.    Understanding

3.    Wisdom

      “Knowledge is power” (not just a cliché). It is critical information. In an intentional relationship knowledge should be acquired from 3 different areas.

 A. Gain all the knowledge you can about your significant other through active listening and communication, especially in the beginning. This is extremely important; this is ‘intel’ that may save you from a major life commitment OR confirm just how wonderful a partner she will be. Always keep the lines of communication open by making her feel comfortable to talk. Avoid judgment about what she says. The more knowledge one has of their partner, the more information they will have to compare with their own vision in life. The goal is a lifelong partner who shares your vision.

B. The next type of Knowledge needed prior to marriage is 2^nd hand Konwledge from those who know her best. When around her close friends and family, observe their interaction with her and vice versa. Initiate conversations with family and ask lighthearted questions, being careful not to interrogate. Even jokes about her may indicate some truth.

C. Also, there’s lots of self-help materials out there re. relationships and marital success. If your goal is to be married for the 1^st or the 5^th time, read books on what other marriage counselors and coaches are saying. A great book to start with is the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. That is a must read for every couple that I work with in my practice. Additionally, become very familiar with the DISC Personality Assessment. These 3 areas are basic Knowledge tips for a lifelong partnership.

·       Understanding is the next area of engagement prior to marriage. It is one thing to have knowledge of your partner and knowledge from the experts; however, if there’s no understanding of that newly acquired knowledge or how to apply it, there is no benefit in it. If you are concerned or in doubt about the knowledge received, discuss it with her in a non-judgmental way to gain clarity first. If this is a woman who shares your vision and has true potential as a wife, and there is still doubt beyond the discussion, seek the assistance of a professional. Avoid involving friends and family in conflicts and concerns; they will give advice based on partiality and may remain defensive toward her. Why risk it?  

Appointments are available with me, Dr. Sue by email at 4menwhomarry@gmail.com. I am a Couples’ Counselor and Marriage Coach of over 15 years. I provide one-on-one counseling anywhere on the globe thanks to technology. There are also local marriage support groups, couples’ ministries, pre-marital counseling, etc., all designed to support couples in their journey toward becoming One for Life.

·       Wisdom is also needed prior to marriage, which is the application of Knowledge & Understanding. One cannot apply what they do not acknowledge and understand. Example – If our guy knows that his potential wife is disgusted by children because she told him so, and he wants to have at least 3 kids. Having children is his life’s dream but she is also drop dead gorgeous and great in bed. How will he apply this knowledge? Will he ignore the Knowledge and marry her anyway hoping that he can convince her to have children? Attempt to change who she is? Perhaps deny his own dream? He believes that he LOVES her and is quite vested in the relationship, but this is major Knowledge that requires great Understanding & the Wisdom to act.

There is no substitute for Knowledge in a committed, intentional relationship. Make certain to gather information through communication with your partner, observation with friends & family and glean wisdom from it all seeking out expert sources if needed. Be guided by knowledge and understanding and act by applying the wisdom.

The Doctor is in...

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Dr. Sue is the coach for "The man who has everything but his wife." Let her take the mystery out of relating to the right woman. Getting married is easy, staying married takes more than romance, it is a learned skill. This skill requires sincerity, self development and commitment and begins with basic principles. Dr. Sue is a Marriage & Family Coach of 15 years, accepting private clients from anywhere via today's technology.If you are a man seeking personal and confidential coaching, email Dr. Sue for appointments at 4MenWhoMarry@gmail.com. or click here.